By Muthoni Maina

Grief is love’s souvenir. It’s our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world. Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.”~ Glennon Doyle Melton

Have you ever loved and lost? I have, for as long as I remember I’ve dreamed of a forever. Maybe it’s because that’s the lie we’re sold or the truth we avoid so we protect ourselves. Huh! Sometimes even forever has a limit.

But grief; the kind that tears through you as you scream in pain, guilt and regret. The kind that makes your mind actively replay everything; the conversations, the meals shared, desired dreams, the fears withheld and the joy experienced. So suddenly, your heart and mind wrestle for dominance. You begin to experience all five stages of grief at once. What was. What could have been. What was not. What will never be.

Grief, such an interesting emotion since we’re assured to experience it, but yet again, it hurts when we do.
It can be anything. Losing someone to death. Leaving a job. Leaving a hometown. Watching a relationship come to an end.

When the memories sneak up on you then realize you truly were connected to it. This hurts more than the actual loss.

When you achieve something you want to share. You hear a lyric and remember them. You scroll a reel they’ll relate to and you want to share. And then you pause. Who do you tell at this point?

And as you grieve, it begs the question; ‘What are you afraid of losing when nothing on this earth belongs to you?’ When the person you want to share this grief with is the same one you’re grieving?

Today, I lie down and allow myself to feel all of it. Without creating a fuss. I let my mind play its games. To replay all the moments, search for meaning in the ended conversations, trying to fill in the unsaid words. I journal to keep my scattered thoughts in order.

Tonight. I curl up against my fur pillows, play some Adele, snack on haribos and grieve.

Tomorrow. The memories will sneak up on me. Days will pass. Thoughts of them will linger on my mind. I’ll figure that out when it reaches me.

For now, I remain a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved. Every place, every experience shared, every season that left a piece of itself behind. Maybe that’s all I truly get to keep.

So, for tonight, let me grieve.

Let me grieve the love I just lost.